Under a Microscope

Have you ever felt like you're barely human? As if everyone is out to ridicule you? To find the faults in everything you think, do and say? It's always, corrections, corrections, corrections. I'm not perfect. Who the fuck said that you were? Why the hell do you have the position of authority to ridicule me, when you are just as spineless? But I'm not like you, I'm not like you at all. I am a poet, I'm a writer. I sit alone in the dark with one candle to light a corner of my room and I write poetry, I think, I seclude myself, while you are out there, ridiculing me, ridiculing them and poisoning your own heart. But I've got no authority to ridicule you, because my heart's just as poisoned, my heart's just as black. I'm just as bizarre, as crazy, as insane, as troubled and as vulnerable as you. I'm standing on a train station platform. There are two trains in front of me, waiting fro me. Printed on the side of one of the trains, there is the word, "Religion". And on the other train, the word "Science" is printed. They're both waiting for me to get onboard. So I turn around and walk home.

Fuck you.

Thoughts on Revelation, "The End Times", God, Christianity blah, blah, blah...

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about the end of the world, in Christianity's terms: "The Rapture" and "The End Times". I also have been studying the biblical book of Revelation, apparently written by St. Paul the Divine.

It appears that many Christians will say nowadays, "We're in the End Times..." because of numurous earthquakes/natural disasters, or new presidents (e.g Barack Obama which some people classify as the Anti-Christ) and pandemics like the swine flu (which is a load of rubbish I think, nothing more than a single pixel blown up by the media). Thousands of people today believe that we are apporaching Jesus' second coming very, very soon.

I've heard pastors preaching in the past, and they'll say to the congregation, "Well brothers and sisters, we've all read the end of the book, and we win!" It sickens me to hear that statement. I always thought to myself, "Do we really win?" These Christians that sat beside me in church services strongly believed that every word printed in the Bible was sacred and undoubtedly true. There couldn't even be the possibility that Bible was false, and I had grow up to believe the exact same, until about a year ago, but that's a different story.

Okay, let me begin by summing up an event that will apparently take place here on Earth in "x" number of years.

In a place called Armageddon, there is said to take place an incredible battle between good and evil; Jesus and the Devil. Armageddon is actually a real place and still exists today, not far from Jerusalem. The Devil and his evil army of rulers and kings of the world will swarm over the plains of Armageddon. From the sky on white horses, Jesus will come with his good army of angels and will slaughter the Devil in an epic war. Jesus will then cast the Devil into a lake of fire and there will be no evil on Earth for 1000 years.

So what we have here is a battle against the forces of good and evil. I'm not sure I can bring myself to believe it though; the idea that everything inscribed within the Bible will definately happen. Not only does this feeling of mine concern this particular event, but it also applies to the entire book of Revelation, and the entire Bible.

In many ways, I fear what the Bible prophesizes. I fear that I will not go to heaven, that I will burn in hell and that what I've pushed away will turn out to be the truth. That's what I despise about religion, about putting your faith in something. You really do have to put your faith in it. You have to believe that what you've questioned and the deductions you've made are correct. It's like taking a leap in the dark; you don't know if you're really falling off a cliff to your impending doom, or if you'll land safely on your feet.

Why do we have to believe anything? Why do we have to know everything? Why must there be anything to know, or believe? Sometimes, I wish that it was as simple as, "we live, then we die..." instead of having to trust in something that you can never quite prove to the most infinite extent. If God exists, why the hell does he have to put you through so much crap? Why does he have to test us? Why does he want us to do all these things? Why is it that He suddenly decided, "Oh, let's create the whole universe, knowing that sin will enter the world and the Lucifer will try to do everything in his power to stop my son Jesus from dying on the cross to save humanity from their sins, so they can come to heaven with me."? What on Earth was Gods motive?

And I'm tired of being told, "God works in ways we can't understand". To me that just sounds like an excuse that Christians use to patch up the faults and parts of their religion that they don't understand.

To me, christianity is just a made up concept that people have blindly copied from their ancestors and chosen to keep it alive. I can't take anymore of it.

Nature...

Nature is a prophetic cycle of birth, life, growth and death. Nature is an all-knowing, astute marvel that has been, and is continually present through the ages.

Does Destiny Exist?

It’s quite typical for someone to say that “It was your destiny…” to do something. It appears that some people believe that destiny is a concrete concept that automatically is existent when we’re born. I for one do not exactly believe so.

I think that destiny/fate is like a template for our lives. It is a mere guideline for our existence, but we do not necessarily have to follow the guideline. Depending on circumstances, our actions and our decisions, we can alter our destinies. Our fate is the framework for living.

For example: what if I was destined to become a doctor, but I decided I would leave school at sixteen and take drugs, resulting in my early death etc etc. My destiny; that framework would be pointless at that stage, as the decisions made by myself, altered what was apparently destined to occur.

Destiny, is not rigid, it is merely a template.

Social Anxieties or Shyness?

I don't know if I'm stretching it too far to say that I think I might me anti-social, or possibly even have "social anxieties". A lot of the common symtoms of social anxiety apply to me, and I guess I do find it hard to talk to new people and to bring up conversations. It's kind've sad to admit it, but I think it's true.

One thing that gets me is, I hate making eye contact while I'm talking to a new person. I know it's rude, and I shouldn't do that, but I can't help it. It distracts me and I end up not being able to concentrate on what I'm talking about. I can make eye contact whilst listening to the other person speak, but it's whenever it's my turn to chirp in, I just can't. I really don't know why, maybe I'm nervous or scared to make eye contact.

I get uncomfortable talking to new people. God, I hate that fact. It won't be that way for long though, because after the Summer holidays, I'm going to high school and I'll be seperated from my usual buddies most of the time, and will have to talk to new people and make friends. All I can really do is be myself and try my best to get along with people. Besides, making eye contact is important, even in a job interview situation, you've got to show your "possibly future boss" that you've got nothing to hide and you can look them in the eye. Anyway, I'm going to work at it so wish me luck. See you later alligators!

A for Art, S for Science

To me, art is a part of me. I would feel incomplete if art did not exist. I wouldn't be able to write, draw, play music or think artistic thoughts. In fact, we would all be limited to this logiccal state of thinking and expressing ourselves. Without creativity it seems, we would just be robots.

When I think of art, I think of EVERYTHING. Art makes my heart race and my mind travel to places unimaginable. I think of the many artists and great thinkers of the past, those who observed nature and sketched pictures in notebooks. Those who were curious about the world around them. People who didn't need extremely advanced technology to do the thinking for them. I guess, in some ways, the engineer if the technology is resonsible, but if the person was intelligent enough to create the machine, you'd think the person would be clever enough to figure a few things out for theselves.

Of course though, we do need rely somewhat heavily on technology for scientific discovery. For example, space travel. God, wouldn't it be absolutely amazing to go to space. I find simply looking up at a starry night incedible, but actually seeing the moon up close, stars, planets...It just let's my imagination run wild.

The point I'm making here is that technologie is brilliant in some instances, but we cannot rely souly on machines to do the work and discoveries for us. Artists, scientists and great thinkers of the past built the foundations that we are currently building upon ourselves. Mankind without a doubt will strive to exceed its boundaries in regards to science, art and religion and expand it's knowledge by going to all kinds of lengths. I just hope the know how far to go though. I mean, I'm all for discovery, but I don't want it all to end in tears.

We Make a Vulnerable Pair

Don’t ever believe that I’ve vanished,
Although I’ve never really existed
I’ve just watched your movements
The way you slide your hand through your hair
And tuck it behind your ear
Your voice is faint, almost inaudible
It’s like listening to you underwater;
Your voice never carries.

I like your vulnerability
The way you’re seen but rarely heard
Carrying your bag from class to class
Alone.
I like your silence, I like your loneliness
You are real.

Mysterious ways on mysterious days
Can you see me in the shade?
Not many can but I sense that you do
There is a connection,
Don’t hang up, I’m out of change.

I like your vulnerability
The way you’re seen but rarely heard
I like your fragile continuity,
The way you’re fearless, but ever scared.