The messenger stormed through the corridors, his dark cloak gliding behind him. The sound of his footsteps echoed off the stone walls. After walking for what seemed like an eternity through the narrow tunnels of Salfalk Castle, he finally stopped at a door. It was robust and was made of mahogany. There was a door knocker in the form of an angry gargoyle, it’s mouth wide open, fangs glaring at the messenger. He took hold of it and gave three hard knocks.
There was no reply for several seconds until an elderly voice beckoned the visitor inside. The messenger opened the heavy door, closed it once inside, and approached an old man seated at a desk.
His face was weak and pale, broken up it seemed, by define wrinkles. He slouched in his large chair and his hands were clasped on top of numerous papers. The only thing that made him look young, were his eyes. They were lively amber in colour, glistening in the glow of the fire. You couldn’t help but see kindness within them, as they were so warm and friendly. He too was dressed in a cloak, but a red one, only given to the Diatecs, the wisest in all of Salfalk Castle. Messengers and other low classed inhabitants wore black ones.
“Excuse me Master Vankar, sir.”
“What is it?”
“Master Brulle would like you to join him for lunch this afternoon.”
“Would he now?” Master Vankar smiled.
“Tell him that’s fine. I shall meet him in the lounge at noon.” he continued.He glanced up at the clock; eleven-fifteen.
The messenger bowed, turned, and left the study. Master Vankar stood up and went over to a wooden cabinet with glass panels. Inside on several shelves sat glasses and a bottle of whiskey. He carefully poured some into a glass and stood staring at the flames of the fire dance. All around him were bookshelves built into the walls. The books themselves were old, probably as old as the castle. They were a mixture of dull greens, browns and blacks, and Master Vankar had read them all, some more than once.
His job was to educate the young students who enrolled to Salfalk Castle, where they would learn many things including Maths, English, Science, Latin and the art of Magic. So, naturally he studied day and night, filling up his head with everything he could find. Never drawing the line of how much knowledge he could obtain. He was not the only one who taught the students, all the Diatecs did. But Master Vankar was highly respected by everyone in the castle for his wisdom and kindness. Master Brulle was the founder of Salfalk Castle, and was very old indeed. In fact, many reckoned that he should be dead by now, but the power of the magic which he'd obtained over the years gave him the strength to live another day.
Master Vankar was good friends with Brulle, and had been since they were both students. They grew up together and encountered many things in their day. Sometimes they would gather and talk about old times, laughing all the while. But not all the stories were joyful…
Occasionally Vankar took over for Master Brulle when he was feeling ill, and if anything went wrong during the times he did take over, it would be up to him to clean up the mess.
One thing I'm immediately curious of, is how well does the messenger know the halls he's walking through? Also, he apparently "storms" but does this mean he's angry, or is he being driven by fear of the other powerful man?
ReplyDeleteAnyways, this is a good introduction. What it needs is a seed of intrigue. You should be able to introduce the problem, the seed that will ultimately drive the entire plot of the story, with a few sentences here.
Personally, I tend to hit the reader over the head with the plot. As a reader, I can sense that something ominous is coming in this story, just by the fact that someone felt it necessary to record what happened to precipitate this meeting between Vankar and Brulle. That said, I don't feel there's quite enough detail of what's to come.
If I were writing it, I would write something like "this was the day that Vankar was given charge of Salfalk Castle. This was also the day that Vankar learned of Brulle's secret war with the trolls." (or something)
A better writer than me would be more subtle, maybe not give away quite so much juicy details. I think my point is that the reader has to have at least a very small idea about what sort of thing is going to happen.
But otherwise, you've done a very nice job on the descriptive aspects of your story so far, and I think any story you write would be a pleasure to read, for the descriptions alone. You just need to work on plot.
The, "After walking for what seemed like an eternity through the narrow tunnels of Salfalk Castle, he finally stopped at a door.", part, was basically to show how large this castle really was. The intrecate corridors etc. I agree with you that, "stormed" wasn't the best word for that sentence.
ReplyDeleteBare in mind that this is just the beginning of a story that I planned would transpire into something way longer. I did have a plot, but I just hadn't got to the main punch line yet. I might not even continue with this, it was just something productive to do to fill in some time. Who knows? I might expand it.
Nevertheless, I am grateful for your feedback, Josh. Thanks for taking the time to drop a comment!