I don't know if I'm stretching it too far to say that I think I might me anti-social, or possibly even have "social anxieties". A lot of the common symtoms of social anxiety apply to me, and I guess I do find it hard to talk to new people and to bring up conversations. It's kind've sad to admit it, but I think it's true.
One thing that gets me is, I hate making eye contact while I'm talking to a new person. I know it's rude, and I shouldn't do that, but I can't help it. It distracts me and I end up not being able to concentrate on what I'm talking about. I can make eye contact whilst listening to the other person speak, but it's whenever it's my turn to chirp in, I just can't. I really don't know why, maybe I'm nervous or scared to make eye contact.
I get uncomfortable talking to new people. God, I hate that fact. It won't be that way for long though, because after the Summer holidays, I'm going to high school and I'll be seperated from my usual buddies most of the time, and will have to talk to new people and make friends. All I can really do is be myself and try my best to get along with people. Besides, making eye contact is important, even in a job interview situation, you've got to show your "possibly future boss" that you've got nothing to hide and you can look them in the eye. Anyway, I'm going to work at it so wish me luck. See you later alligators!
The whole eye contact thing that you have is pretty normal. It's actually natural for humans not to want to make eye contact, especially for young people. It's part of the evolution of social groups and dominance displays. Watch any documentary on chimpanzees, and you'll see that eye contact is serious business with them.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestion when talking to people is just to make a little bit of eye contact, and maybe work your way up to gradually a little bit more.
It's been found in studies that a person speaking makes a lot less eye contact than a person listening, and this is generally accepted as normal. Try for eye contact about 20% of the time when you're the speaker, and 60% when you're the listener.
One common trick when listening is to focus on the person's mouth. They will often be unaware that you're not looking directly at their eyes. And it seems to send a subconscious message that you are interested in the exact words they use.
Don't get hypnotized by someone's weird teeth or mole, but as long as it's on their face, they shouldn't notice that you're looking at it.
Don't stare at the ground, but the occasional glance downward is okay.
You can actually glance to the sides and past the person a little bit, but do this too much and they'll think you're not interested in talking to them. However, this is a good tool to have when you need to end a conversation. If you're looking around a lot, people will think you have somewhere to be, or someone to meet, and if they're perceptive, they'll wind the conversation down.
If you, or the other person in the conversation is a hand-talker, that gives you something else to look at, in between short (but significant) periods of eye contact.
If you find yourself fidgeting with your fingers or an object, like a pencil, try to bring the object into your conversation. I'm not saying to talk about it, rather use it subtly. Point or gesture with it. If the other party is paying attention to your "object lesson", they won't notice your eyes.
As a male, when I speak to a female, I have the added worry of trying to avoid looking at her breasts. Actually, surveys say 90% of men look at a woman's breasts when talking to a woman. The trick is to be subtle about it. Glance, but don't stare. I suspect 90% of women also look at other women's breasts, but this goes unnoticed, because women generally aren't looking out for other women to notice their breasts. Looking at the chest and breast is a normal part of the cycle of eye contact, and as long as you keep it brief and subtle, you won't look like a creep.
Crotches, both men's and women's, also work like breasts, but probably get looked at, or glanced at, in only about 10-20% of conversations. There's generally less to see down there, and it's pretty far away from the main action of the conversation.
I don't see lack of eye-contact as something you need to take control of, because it's merely symptomatic of how you're feeling inside - which is the real you. Body language never lies.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, I would maybe even go so far as to say that if you attempt to control this, you're really manufacturing a false image of yourself that isn't the real you. This is what many people do in general, and it's awful, because we all become pretenders and nobody really knows anybody. I hate being in situations where everyone has false painted smiles on their faces, pretending to laugh at each others jokes.
The answer is, of course, to treat the cause, not the symptom. And the cause is nothing to worry about. You're a teenager. Nobody expects you to be completely without insecurity and brimming with confidence. It all comes naturally with life experience. Give yourself a break. :-)
I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve naturally, and I like it that way. I would make a bad liar, and when I feel embarrassed, I can't hide it.
I find new social situations difficult too, because I am hopeless at smalltalk. But get me started on a subject I like, and I can talk your ear off with great enthusiasm.